Perfect

There's just this one thing.
Just one thing that many would give everything to have, to be.
Just one thing that really doesn't have a definition, or a feasible example or a simple explanation.
It's just something that we're told to be.
Something that haunts many because of their inability to BE it.
Something that many spend their whole lives trying to find it, but really, waste the potential their lives have because of them striving to find it.
Its a thing that some claim to be, but really they're just posing to be it. They're fakes, and fall short of the full glory that "it" supposedly is.
But really, if we can't define it, and we only have false pictures in our heads of what 'it' is, how can IT define our worth? No one is this "Perfect" person. No one has a 'perfect' life or car or job. The closest thing we have to this 'perfect' is what the media is slamming down our throats as to what they think we should be like.
and all that is, is someone else's imagine in Their head of what they think 'perfect' is. So why can't we all just start saying fuck it, no I'm not going to look a certain way, dress a certain way, or act like we're 'supposed' to and then just start actually living? Start doing the things that others tell you you cant, just to prove them wrong. Start breathing. Start exploring. Start doing things you never thought you could do.
And stop living to fit the mold of what this made up "Perfect" is supposed to be. Be strong, be lively, and just, be you. Start living, because there is a whole lot of life out there that should be experienced.

Contemplation...

Tonight I'm considering getting rid of this blog... Deleting all the posts and shutting it down.
My original point of using it is obsolete.. So it seems like a logical decision. But it could just be the time of year. Because this time last year was when I got rid of Facebook too..
I just don't really like the idea of being so logging into everything. I've been doing better lately now that I've been a little more unplugged. Idk.
Maybe I wont.. I'm just considering it. Goodnight all. Listening to a song called fireflies tonight. And no, it's not the Owl City one

Reasons Why I Cried Tonight...

• I watched the scene in Toy Story 2 where it shows Jessie's story of how she was forgotten...
• Realized how much it sucks that our family has been split by my dads choices and now I won't even get to have a Christmas with my Grandparents this year...
• Watched Toy Story 3... The ending.. Bahhhhh D':
• Witnessed my big brother break down and cry over everything that has gone on...
• I miss my dad..
• I'm worried about my second oldest brother...
• College is next year and I don't know what to do or go for or anything...
• My mommas MRI is tomorrow and I'm nervous for the results..
• Life is moving wayyy too fast.. 
• I just have a lot of feelings...

Notes From a Friday Night....

• First, Santa hats are really hot.
• Pizza tastes delicious after pepband, especially when it's hot (even if it is greasy)
• Sleigh Ride
• Move Along by All American Rejects is still good, even if I hadn't heard in forever until tonight
• Sometimes friends can fix you a little even if they don't realize you need fixing.
• I'm lucky to have such amazing friends
• Cheerios
• Apparently the guy at Wendy's assumes that we only need one straw for 4 frostys. Yes. I am going to eat all of these myself. Duh.
• Walmart is scary at night.
• The guy at the mall lied when he said they wouldn't lock up until 10z
• It's practically impossible to drink a frosty through a straw.
• Fake it.
• Happiness is possible even when it doesn't seem like it.
• Not caring is far too easy.
• Money isn't everything.
• These memories are going to last.
• This year is going way too fast. 
• I'm really tired.
• Things are still changing too quickly for me.
• I'm lucky that LaFawnda puts up with me. 
• Coindozer can be a severely addictive experience for some people.
• Dont deserve such good people in my messed up life.
• Going to bed now.
• Toodles!!!

*christmas music playing in background*

Right now, I kind of just want to sleep for days. With Christmas quickly approaching, the same struggles of last year are coming back to me. It's going to be the second Christmas without my dad around.. What's hard is knowing he's only like 10 miles away, yet he doesn't want to see me or my brothers. That sucks. It doesnt help having nightmares of him showing up somewhere and having him holding hands of a child who is apparently his new family. Which, in real life he doesn't have. New family, as far as I know anyway. But to have recurring dreams of him forgetting about me altogether is hard. It's hard to stay positive. Especially when all my friends around me are happy and having great things happen for them right now. I want to be a good friend and support them. Because I am happy for them. My walls are just crumbling lately. And I'm having trouble staying afloat.
Okay.. I'll stop complaining now. I have to go to school tomorrow and paint a smile on my face... So I should probably get some rest. Acting is tiring..
Love you more..

Matters of Urgent Business...

Just a short update tonight..
Today I had to pack up my floor-to-ceiling bookshelf along with the rest of my room, because we are repainting it. Now, this might be a simple task for most people, but for me, packing up all my old worn books made me feel as though I was packing up my childhood. It was a nostalgic feeling that I normally would have paired with leaving for college and such. Anyway, I cried when I flipped through my old very favorite book and found the bookmark I used for a year straight.  It's little thing like that that get to me.
Along with emptying my room, we had to take my bed down. And, instead of putting the other bed up, we decided itd be easier to paint without it in there. So tonight I will be sleeping on the floor. Woohooo.
I'm kind of freaking out over tomorrow... I have a mock job interview for my Econ class, and I'm really afraid that I'm going to be horrible. Ahh. And as soon as I get back to the school, I have to take my audition for band. It doesn't help that I suck at sightreading and don't really want to hav to deal with it.
On the upside, I have had good music stuck in my head today. Although, I'm a little embarrassed to tell you that right now I have Fall For You by Secondhand Serenade stuck in my head.. Oh well. Night all!

Random Update:

*pointless statement alert*
Without noticing, my blog hit over 1,000 pageviews. So that's something. 
In other words of somethings, today is Sunday. And I have effectively have spent the day keeping myself busy, but never finishing anything that I have started. I took every picture down in my room, and now the whole room looks emotionless. As if no one really inhabits it. Before now, I had forgotten how much the pictures had given personality to the room. It held pictures and memories from the past few years from prom to the last christmas I spent with my dad still in the picture. The pictures covering my walls showed bits and pieces of my life. They sort of told a story of thier own. Not the whole story of course, I wouldn't let that much of me be shown on my walls. But they showed a lot of what I love. My family, my friends, places that held special meaning to me, things that matter, even moments that changed everything. I think that's one reason why I like photos so much, no matter what else changes, the memories don't.
I have a lot more that i would like to say right now, but alas, I have a Sociology paper waiting for me. So, I will leave now, and hope for more time later.
Tonight I'm listening to a song on repeat, one that a good friend recommended to me awhile ago, before things changed between us. Now Playing? Skinny Love (by Bon Iver) covered by Birdy