Hard to Handle...

Have you ever been told something or seen something that was difficult to bear? Like bad news coming from a doctor.. Or learning that your friend is depressed, or even realizing that you've succeeded in unknowingly pushed someone else out of your life? Im not gonna lie, today's been a tough day. It's hard having my mom not trust me. It's hard seeing someone so sick have to actu like she's not so no one asks questions. And... Well it was really hard for me to be in the same room a my friend and feel so utterly detached. Like I didn't even know her. Which could be true. That's the thing, I don't even know. I've spent my whole life on the outside looking in; sometimes by choice, but more often than not by fate. And I'm tired of that. I'm hoping that a lot can change in the month that's left of summer. In the meantime, y'all should look up Maroon 5's new album. I'm loving it! I really need to earn some money so I can buy the actual CD haha. Really like the songs The Man Who Never Lied and Beautiful Goodbye! Night all..

College...

So this is the summer before my senior year. And I'm kind of freaking out. Along with other things, I have no idea what I want to do after high school.. All my childhood I was saying that I wanted to be a nurse. To work with children. But I seriously don't think that's what I want to do anymore. After attending this workshop, I realized that I want to do something that's bigger than me. That what I've been dreaming to do with my life is nothing compared to what God had in store for me. I feel like I'm ping to have to make a choice between philanthropy and a solid financial life as an adult. I just really feel like I'm not ready to be making decisions about a future that I'm unsure of what I even what to do... Any suggestions?

Society..

So last night I got to spend some time was a pretty good friend young friend of mine. She's only going into 7th grade and I swear she is the sweetest girl. She is still able to find good in everyone, and she just has a beautiful outlook on life. It hit me last night when she left, that she hasn't been hit with society's dreads yet. She hasn't been completely dumped into the world where you have to be a size two to be beautiful. Don't get me wrong, I remember being in elementary school and feeling bad because I wasn't as tiny as all my friend so I know she's been exposed to the world of bullies simply because that's how school is. But I am just saying she hasn't been totally corrupted with what society says is 'normal'. My heart just aches for her to never let society get the best of her. Because she is a beautiful soul. And I've seen too many people my own age get demoralized because of society. And I look at this younger generation and I yearn for things to change for them. But I think it really starts with us. Me and my peers. Because we are the ones that can start to change things. To be different. To prove that you don't have to be a certain size, listen to a certain kind of music, or drink and do drugs. We are the ones that can lead the revolution to beat society's view on perfect. We can be the ones who are accepting of everyone. We don't have to sit by and watch this younger generation fall into the current footsteps of us and be conpletely trashed by the way things in this world are going.. Sorry for the rant...

Family...

I always thought that when we grew up we would be close.. I never dreamed that I would actually exclude myself o much that now, all I can do is what you hurting and not be able to do anything. On one side I haveone girl who is trying to grow up way too fast... And I worry about her greatly.. I also have one girl who is making poor decisions and isn't able to see the extent of what she's doing.. I don't want to lose her to the awful grasps of this world that seems to have already sucked her and her younger sister in. On my other side though... I find myself with a whole other kind of worry.. The kind that keeps you up at night because you have no idea If they are okay or not. And with the choices that are being made.. Well I'm worried. And honestly, after I think about these three, I think about me, and I never thought I'd be where I am. I've made choices that I now have to own up to and I have to face some issues that I've caused and situations that pushed me to make awful decisions.. When we were younger I never saw any of us growing up like this. I just hope I'm not too late to try to fix relationships with them... Because Lord knows this family needs a little healing all throughout it... Night all...

Holes in the Ground..

Sometimes I feel like in my relationships with people, I have to fine tune what each person can handle, and I keep the things that I don't think they can grasp from them.. And it makes me think of when I'm walking through a cornfield. Fields aren't smooth, and you can't always see what you're stepping on before your foot lands. And inevitably, sometimes your foot sinks into a, hence the title I this blog, hole in the ground. In my life I feel like the things that certain people don't know about me are holes in the ground, in that when I do open up about them, people seem to stumble. There reactions are always different. They might not even know what to do because the hole may seem too deep.. Sometimes I wish things weren't as complicated as they are.. But I guess if this is what God thinks I can handle, I'll go with it. Btw, if you haven't heard it already, look up the song Changed by Rascal Flatts. And if you don't 'like country music', put that thought away an just listen to the words of this song.

Busy Bee...

Today was ridiculous... It's definitely been a whirlwind. But I guess tonight I got my comic relief when I was eating lucky charms in my living room with my younger brother. He was laughing at me because I ate all the cereal pieces first and ate the marshmallows last, which was the opposite of what he did. I told him its because I like to save the best for last, whereas he apparently is the type of person who lives life in the moment, and enjoys what he has now. So he ate the marshmallows first and ate the less desirable cereal pieces last. He just looked at me when I finished saying that and laughed and said that he couldnt believe I just made a huge philosophical connection between life and A General Mills cereal. Ha so I guess I'm philosophical? Nick Jonas- Who I Am....

Woah...

So you know that person that I mentioned a few days ago, the one that contacted me out of the blue? Well ive been talking to him tonight. And I found out the real reason he stopped talking to me. And I found out that it was just because of things my 'friends' had told him.. He had believed them over me, so he cut himself away from me. I honestly did NOT expect whathe told me... I guess that's the joy of rumors, you get to know things about yourself that you never knew. Ha. Iean obviously it's totally in the past. But still.

"Home"...

My song of the night has got me thinking.. First off I should probably elaborate on just what song it is that has me thinking. Which would be, hence the name of this post, Home by Phillip Phillips, the American Idol Winner. There is one line in that song that says this, 'settle down, it'll all be clear.". And it made me start to realize that I need talk less and listen more. I realize that that is not at all what that line was meaning, but that's what it has me pondering. Like, if we 'settle down' our lives a little, and listen to those around us, maybe even use a little bit of 'old fashioned' manners, we could really figure things out in our lives. Maybe the old times when things were simpler really was all its cracked up to be. Think about it, back then there werent 3,000,000 Americans who would harm themselves because they're depressed. There weren't NEAR as many divorces that split families apart. People actually worked for their money. Blood sweat and years went into their jobs and they could actually be proud of their work. To me, that just sounds amazing. So im going to take a small step back and try to incorporate some of those simple jestures of kindness that used to be nomenclature and see where it takes me. This world could use a little 'good' in it... So why not start with me?

Missing...

So while going through some old music, I realized something. I miss Audrey and Micah... They graduated two years ago, and while I didn't always fit in or get along with them, they were really awesome people. Audrey introduced me to some pretty awesome music like Bon Iver, City and Colour, and Pheonix. And Micah NEVER failed to make me smile even on my worst day.. Haven't talked to either of them in ages... I wonder how they are.. anyway, a little inside on me? I've always wanted to have a relationship/ friend where we can swap mix CDs of our favorite songs.

Super Weird...

Have you ever just heard from someone who used to be in your life just out of the blue? Where you weren't even thinking about them and then all of the sudden there they are again? That's sort of what happened last night. I was just sitting by our hotel pool, and my phone went off. I couldn't believe the name that came up on that text message. I haven't heard from him in literally months. And really, his message was just as surprising. I honestly can really believe that he was apologizing after all this time. But it really meant a lot that he did. It shows that people really do change. I hope we can regain some of our old friendship. On another note, and I hope you know that I'm talking about you, you should listen to You Can't Win by Kelly Clarkson. I know, I know, another female artist. But seriously listen.

Such a long day....

You know it's going to be a Long day when you start it at a truck stop at three in the morning. But it was totally worth it. My eyes may be bloodshot and my body may be sunburned but today really was good. I'm just super tired. Although I have to say when I got on the bus to go get dinner and Demi Lovatos song Trainwreck came on and it made my day. I really love that song... You should look it up.

Just Keep Swimming....

As I am about to get in a car for the next 24 hours, I decided to write a quick post informing anyone who read this of the tricks to survive a long car ride with family. First of all, I would suggest an iPod with headphones. You know, just in case you need to tune out for a while. 2. A book (that is, if you can read without getting carsick.) 3. Snacks (because as I well know, any road trip isn't complete without snacks and tunes.) 4. Actual road maps. (because honestly? Sometimes GPS really sucks.) 5. A notebook ( for me, I like to jot down little notes about the place we stop..) 6. REDBULL. ( because I'm not a big fan of sleeping in cars and then waking up with a big kink in my neck. ) 7. Lastly, sunglasses. (mainly because I love wearing them. Also, people in other cars can't tell if you are making fun of them or whether you are just enjoying the scenic drives. Haha) And I'm off! Love y'all! Now playing, On The Road Again

Rolling...

So tomorrow my family and I are embarking on a little thing I like to call vacation. We are going to a beach far far away. And we are also visiting the 'happiest place on earth'. But let's go back to the beach part.. I'm almost not looking forward to it.. Because I have to wear a bathing suit. And I really... Well let's just say I'm super insecure when it comes to me and swim suits... It doesn't help that I know there will be tons over skinny girls all around that will most likely make myself feel like shit about how I look. I'm just too self conscious for this... So I'm not really sure how this is going to go. I think I'll need a miracle... Right now, I have Fall For you by Secondhand serenade playing in the background.. Brings back some huge memories... Night folks!