Ramblerambleramble

Sleep is a concept that I no longer understand. Homework is a thing of the past. Dreams too often turn to nightmares and hopes sometimes crash down too hard. But out of if all, I somehow have been given a bright spot. And I'm hoping that it's enough to get me through. Tonight, you should just go listen to nightingale by demi lovato. And then once you've done that, if you actually know me, call me and I'll tell it several stories about a nightingale and I'll ramble on for a half hour about how much I love this. Judge me if you want. I honestly don't care.

You... And only you.

It's true; I like you...
So please don't play with my heart;
For now it's still whol

Even though we aren't going to prom together... You have no idea how much it meant knowing that if you could get out of your current date you would go with me.. You're a great guy.. I hope you never forget that(:
AHHH the butterflies

Be Brave

What does it mean to be brave, exactly? Well, the dictionary says that brave is an Adjective meaning "Ready to face and endure danger or pain; showing courage."
I think to be brave, you have to be willing to deal with the hurt of a life because you know it'll be better in the end. This girl in my life just... Flabbergasts me with her bravery. To force yourself to try to make things better day in and day out. That's crazy. She may be in the fight now... But I know one day she will make it out. And I hope I'll still be right there with her when it happens.

"Life begins at the end of your comfort zone."

I absolutely hate nights like this... I hate remembering. I hate knowing that I could make more of an effort to reach out. But also acknowledging my fear of the fact that I know things won't be the same if I do anyway... I hate it. But I miss them.

Blah.

Went on a walk to find inspiration.
I found that.. And then some.
A breath of fresh air.
A cleared head.
Some new ideas.
A couple pictures.
A busy mind.
Mud on my shoes.
New worries.
Old worries.
A boy who is somehow capable of making me melt.. And yet I know I literally don't have a single chance with him.
He flirts with everyone.. So it's easy to see he realizes I'm nothing special.
Also found that I've got a soul full of wanderlust.
The need to travel.
I'm black and white.
And also every shade of gray.
And several greens. And a lot more of the rainbow.
I am witty, and boring.
Hopeful and dreary.
Overflowing wanderlust, and anchored to the floor with my own fears.
So many things.
I don't even know.
Meh.

I hate that feeling of always being so temporary in people's lives. Like, "oh hey! Things suck right now so we're going to be all buddy buddy and imma talk to you everyday and we'll get thru this together as long as you're there for me". And then BAM! One day they don't need me, and I'm thrown back out in the rain. Like really? Am I that disposable? So replaceable? Not that I don't want to be there for you, because I'd do anything for those I care about, but for once I'd like someone to want me around even when things are falling apart. I want to be that friend that people go to just because they enjoy my company, not because they can get something from me; whether that be support, a shoulder to lean on, money, etc.idk. I'll stop this rant now. I'm just. Meh.
Anywho, listening to Terrible Things by mayday parade.
And although by definition it's quite sad.. It's absolutely beautiful. And i can't get enough of it.

P.s. I don't plan on doing anything but reading tonight... Ah ha! Sometimes being alone is okay

So... Being sick really sucks.
It's like, sitting in a room full of kids that are talking, and everything is Dulled somehow.. Not quite muted, really.. More like... Like everything's softened.. The edges rounded out. I sat in a classroom today and felt totally detached from everything. As if I could have stood up and walked around and shouted and stamped my feet and no one would have noticed because in their perfect softened world then couldn't hear me. Idk. That probably sounds extremely strange... I guess I'm just writing whatever comes to mind tonight. My brain hurts..

On a different note, I've been thinking about how I'm totally comfortable posting little drabbles of what I write/poetry/etc on a site that I know that no one who is close to me can read it... But I'm not comfortable posting it here.. Or letting anyone else read what I write. Why is that? Any suggestions?

Tonight that smile wasn't fake.
And you don't understand how amazing that feels.
To know that maybe things are on the upside.
That while I still think about those things everyday, they don't surround my life.
I can move on.
I can smile.
Hell, I can even breathe.
This is what the true start of recovery feels like.

A little lesson in life...

So here's the thing.
In life, nothing comes easy. If you want something, you better be ready to work for it. Because its not going to just be handed to you.
Sometimes, you're going to have to get hurt.
But that pain? Well it's what makes you stronger. What builds you up and forms you to become a little bit more of how you're supposed to be.
More often then not, there Are going to be roadblocks to your dreams.
But you've got to push through those and keep going anyway.
Sometimes, you're going to give up. But really, why the hell would you have worked so hard just to quit? So keep going. Put one foot in front of the other.
And finally, there are going to be people and situations that will make you feel unworthy. To feel ugly or weak or unimportant.
But these are the things that are defining who you are. These are the things that either make or break you. They make you form a back bone. And I never. Ever. Want to hear you say that you give up.

Because you are worthy enough, strong enough, beautiful enough, and important enough to live this life. You deserve to be happy. So go out there, and shine. Because you've got it in you.
You've got this. Just believe in yourself for once.

It's been awhile...

It's been a couple of weeks since I've last posted on here.. You could say that I've had writers block or something.. But really, I've been busy. And that's partially because I've been filling my time with other outlets. Just toying around trying to figure some things out. I don't have much to show for it.. Other than some poems that really are pretty well, personal. But I've also got some decent sketches, or doodles some might say.. Some pretty cool photographs that I got the chance to take.. And some other things.. But really, it's been different to look into these random artistic outlets. I'm not claiming to have any ounce of talent in any of these areas, I'm just saying that I've enjoye getting to dig a little deeper and try out some new things.

Aside from that, there's been some change in the air. I'm not sure i could accurately explain it to anyone.. Except maybe some others who have been through this. I think I like it though..

Also, I've gotten to know a person who lives probably 1000 miles away from me, but we've clicked really well and she's been an inspiration to me. It's nice to get to know someone who has been in the same situation and is willing to walk through hell together. Ha. It doesn't hurt that she's got infinite knowledge of musicals lol.

Also, I've been digging some new music. Well new to me music. Such as some old stuff of Augustana, imagine dragons, Ed Sheeran<3, and some others.. So idk. Check it out if you want to. If not, I still hope you have a great evening!