I absolutely hate nights like this... I hate remembering. I hate knowing that I could make more of an effort to reach out. But also acknowledging my fear of the fact that I know things won't be the same if I do anyway... I hate it. But I miss them.

Blah.

Went on a walk to find inspiration.
I found that.. And then some.
A breath of fresh air.
A cleared head.
Some new ideas.
A couple pictures.
A busy mind.
Mud on my shoes.
New worries.
Old worries.
A boy who is somehow capable of making me melt.. And yet I know I literally don't have a single chance with him.
He flirts with everyone.. So it's easy to see he realizes I'm nothing special.
Also found that I've got a soul full of wanderlust.
The need to travel.
I'm black and white.
And also every shade of gray.
And several greens. And a lot more of the rainbow.
I am witty, and boring.
Hopeful and dreary.
Overflowing wanderlust, and anchored to the floor with my own fears.
So many things.
I don't even know.
Meh.

I hate that feeling of always being so temporary in people's lives. Like, "oh hey! Things suck right now so we're going to be all buddy buddy and imma talk to you everyday and we'll get thru this together as long as you're there for me". And then BAM! One day they don't need me, and I'm thrown back out in the rain. Like really? Am I that disposable? So replaceable? Not that I don't want to be there for you, because I'd do anything for those I care about, but for once I'd like someone to want me around even when things are falling apart. I want to be that friend that people go to just because they enjoy my company, not because they can get something from me; whether that be support, a shoulder to lean on, money, etc.idk. I'll stop this rant now. I'm just. Meh.
Anywho, listening to Terrible Things by mayday parade.
And although by definition it's quite sad.. It's absolutely beautiful. And i can't get enough of it.

P.s. I don't plan on doing anything but reading tonight... Ah ha! Sometimes being alone is okay

So... Being sick really sucks.
It's like, sitting in a room full of kids that are talking, and everything is Dulled somehow.. Not quite muted, really.. More like... Like everything's softened.. The edges rounded out. I sat in a classroom today and felt totally detached from everything. As if I could have stood up and walked around and shouted and stamped my feet and no one would have noticed because in their perfect softened world then couldn't hear me. Idk. That probably sounds extremely strange... I guess I'm just writing whatever comes to mind tonight. My brain hurts..

On a different note, I've been thinking about how I'm totally comfortable posting little drabbles of what I write/poetry/etc on a site that I know that no one who is close to me can read it... But I'm not comfortable posting it here.. Or letting anyone else read what I write. Why is that? Any suggestions?

Tonight that smile wasn't fake.
And you don't understand how amazing that feels.
To know that maybe things are on the upside.
That while I still think about those things everyday, they don't surround my life.
I can move on.
I can smile.
Hell, I can even breathe.
This is what the true start of recovery feels like.