Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Perfect

There's just this one thing.
Just one thing that many would give everything to have, to be.
Just one thing that really doesn't have a definition, or a feasible example or a simple explanation.
It's just something that we're told to be.
Something that haunts many because of their inability to BE it.
Something that many spend their whole lives trying to find it, but really, waste the potential their lives have because of them striving to find it.
Its a thing that some claim to be, but really they're just posing to be it. They're fakes, and fall short of the full glory that "it" supposedly is.
But really, if we can't define it, and we only have false pictures in our heads of what 'it' is, how can IT define our worth? No one is this "Perfect" person. No one has a 'perfect' life or car or job. The closest thing we have to this 'perfect' is what the media is slamming down our throats as to what they think we should be like.
and all that is, is someone else's imagine in Their head of what they think 'perfect' is. So why can't we all just start saying fuck it, no I'm not going to look a certain way, dress a certain way, or act like we're 'supposed' to and then just start actually living? Start doing the things that others tell you you cant, just to prove them wrong. Start breathing. Start exploring. Start doing things you never thought you could do.
And stop living to fit the mold of what this made up "Perfect" is supposed to be. Be strong, be lively, and just, be you. Start living, because there is a whole lot of life out there that should be experienced.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Contemplation...

Tonight I'm considering getting rid of this blog... Deleting all the posts and shutting it down.
My original point of using it is obsolete.. So it seems like a logical decision. But it could just be the time of year. Because this time last year was when I got rid of Facebook too..
I just don't really like the idea of being so logging into everything. I've been doing better lately now that I've been a little more unplugged. Idk.
Maybe I wont.. I'm just considering it. Goodnight all. Listening to a song called fireflies tonight. And no, it's not the Owl City one

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Reasons Why I Cried Tonight...


  • I watched the scene in Toy Story 2 where it shows Jessie's story of how she was forgotten...
  • Realized how much it sucks that our family has been split by my dads choices and now I won't even get to have a Christmas with my Grandparents this year...
  • Watched Toy Story 3... The ending.. Bahhhhh D':
  • Witnessed my big brother break down and cry over everything that has gone on...
  • I miss my dad..
  • I'm worried about my second oldest brother...
  • College is next year and I don't know what to do or go for or anything...
  • My mommas MRI is tomorrow and I'm nervous for the results..
  • Life is moving wayyy too fast.. 
  • I just have a lot of feelings...

Friday, December 14, 2012

Notes From a Friday Night....


  • First, Santa hats are really hot.
  • Pizza tastes delicious after pepband, especially when it's hot (even if it is greasy)
  • Sleigh Ride
  • Move Along by All American Rejects is still good, even if I hadn't heard in forever until tonight
  • Sometimes friends can fix you a little even if they don't realize you need fixing.
  • I'm lucky to have such amazing friends
  • Cheerios
  • Apparently the guy at Wendy's assumes that we only need one straw for 4 frostys. Yes. I am going to eat all of these myself. Duh.
  • Walmart is scary at night.
  • The guy at the mall lied when he said they wouldn't lock up until 10z
  • It's practically impossible to drink a frosty through a straw.
  • Fake it.
  • Happiness is possible even when it doesn't seem like it.
  • Not caring is far too easy.
  • Money isn't everything.
  • These memories are going to last.
  • This year is going way too fast. 
  • I'm really tired.
  • Things are still changing too quickly for me.
  • I'm lucky that LaFawnda puts up with me. 
  • Coindozer can be a severely addictive experience for some people.
  • Dont deserve such good people in my messed up life.
  • Going to bed now.
  • Toodles!!!

Thursday, December 13, 2012

*christmas music playing in background*

Right now, I kind of just want to sleep for days. With Christmas quickly approaching, the same struggles of last year are coming back to me. It's going to be the second Christmas without my dad around.. What's hard is knowing he's only like 10 miles away, yet he doesn't want to see me or my brothers. That sucks. It doesnt help having nightmares of him showing up somewhere and having him holding hands of a child who is apparently his new family. Which, in real life he doesn't have. New family, as far as I know anyway. But to have recurring dreams of him forgetting about me altogether is hard. It's hard to stay positive. Especially when all my friends around me are happy and having great things happen for them right now. I want to be a good friend and support them. Because I am happy for them. My walls are just crumbling lately. And I'm having trouble staying afloat.
Okay.. I'll stop complaining now. I have to go to school tomorrow and paint a smile on my face... So I should probably get some rest. Acting is tiring..
Love you more..

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Matters of Urgent Business...

Just a short update tonight..
Today I had to pack up my floor-to-ceiling bookshelf along with the rest of my room, because we are repainting it. Now, this might be a simple task for most people, but for me, packing up all my old worn books made me feel as though I was packing up my childhood. It was a nostalgic feeling that I normally would have paired with leaving for college and such. Anyway, I cried when I flipped through my old very favorite book and found the bookmark I used for a year straight.  It's little thing like that that get to me.
Along with emptying my room, we had to take my bed down. And, instead of putting the other bed up, we decided itd be easier to paint without it in there. So tonight I will be sleeping on the floor. Woohooo.
I'm kind of freaking out over tomorrow... I have a mock job interview for my Econ class, and I'm really afraid that I'm going to be horrible. Ahh. And as soon as I get back to the school, I have to take my audition for band. It doesn't help that I suck at sightreading and don't really want to hav to deal with it.
On the upside, I have had good music stuck in my head today. Although, I'm a little embarrassed to tell you that right now I have Fall For You by Secondhand Serenade stuck in my head.. Oh well. Night all!

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Random Update:

*pointless statement alert*
Without noticing, my blog hit over 1,000 pageviews. So that's something. 
In other words of somethings, today is Sunday. And I have effectively have spent the day keeping myself busy, but never finishing anything that I have started. I took every picture down in my room, and now the whole room looks emotionless. As if no one really inhabits it. Before now, I had forgotten how much the pictures had given personality to the room. It held pictures and memories from the past few years from prom to the last christmas I spent with my dad still in the picture. The pictures covering my walls showed bits and pieces of my life. They sort of told a story of thier own. Not the whole story of course, I wouldn't let that much of me be shown on my walls. But they showed a lot of what I love. My family, my friends, places that held special meaning to me, things that matter, even moments that changed everything. I think that's one reason why I like photos so much, no matter what else changes, the memories don't.
I have a lot more that i would like to say right now, but alas, I have a Sociology paper waiting for me. So, I will leave now, and hope for more time later.
Tonight I'm listening to a song on repeat, one that a good friend recommended to me awhile ago, before things changed between us. Now Playing? Skinny Love (by Bon Iver) covered by Birdy

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Down To Business...

Soo.. I know I've been talking about this guy. Who I really like, even though he's out of my league and I don't have a chance with him anyway.. But lately, I've had a little too much time to think about things. And something that's been puzzling me, is my thoughts about the past. I've been thinking about someone who used to really care for me, but I always turned away from, time after time. And it's funny, when you are in the moment, you don't realize certain things, but when you look back you realize what really was going on. Now, don't get me wrong, everyone involved has moved on and is over it. I just, in my moments of too much thinking, realized that we could have actually made it. I just didn't give it enough chance. I was too picky, and pointed out what I didn't like instead of taking a step back and looking at the whole picture. But yeah, I think we could have actually worked. Maybe not forever, but really, what lasts forever anymore? 
As it is, I think I just need to take that lesson, and apply it in the future, so I don't make the same mistake, ya know? 
Anywho, I've been chilling with some new music, and I am absolutely LOVING the song Different People by Artist Vs, Poet. So, you can check it out of you feel like it. If not, have a wonderful existence(:
Goodnight!

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Long Time, No See..

Happy Thanksgiving!!!
First, I should say that I feel like its been forever that I've written on this thing. Which is okay, since no one reads it.
Second, id like to say that I have an extreme love hate relationship with food. Because dear goodness, thanksgiving is every fatty's favorite day. And I definitely did my part in consuming too much food on this glorious day. After which is when my hatred of food comes into play. Why does food have to be so delicious yet so easy to eat way more of than we actually need? I wish I could just say 'take this, food!' and put the fork down. But I guess THAT is where the fatty part comes in. When it comes to food and thanksgiving, I, along with millions of other Americans, am very good at seeing food, putting food on my plate, and then regretting every bite once I've eaten it. So I guess these next few days will be fun while I work off all the extra calories from this delicious and horrific day. Ahhhh.
Wow this post was awful. Oh well, I'm the only one who will be reading it. Night!

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

It's a Funny Thing Actually...

So.. Maybe I lied. It's not really funny. So if anyone is actually reading this, I'm sorry.
This post is actually about a guy. A guy who I thought was amazing...And that I really enjoy spending time with. He actually the best friend of one of my other guy friends. And we went to a movie.. And I felt completely comfortable with him. He's funny, smart, and thoughtful. He's go a sense of humor that I admire, and a way of knowing in the World that's impressive. I really liked him.. And the truth is, I still really like him. But it seems he's already moved on from whatever it was we had. I mean, I shouldn't be surprised, I'm not the type of girl he's gone for in the past.  I'm not rail thin and I dont have perfect hair.. And I guess maybe part of the reason he's distant is my not brig sure of myself. My lack of confidence you could say.. Maybe it's just the fact that I'm bigger than he is.. For me, it didn't even matter. I hope there is still hope. Because I was genuinely happy for the time we were close, and that's tough for me normally. Idk.. I'll stop being and idiot now.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Feelings..

Today I talked to a good friend about my feelings for a boy... And he, along with another friend, pointed out what I guess I knew was true from the start.. I just hadn't want to accept it until now I guess. I just, I know that this guy will most likely go for this other girl. And even if that doesn't work out, I have a sneaking suspicion in the depths of my heart that he still wouldn't choose me.. I feel like of he ever got the chance, he'd be with our really close mutual friend... And in my head, and my heart, I think it just kind of sucks that I'd still be second... You know, for once, I'd like to be someone's first choice. Someone's number one. I think right now, I need to just get over this situation, and just live like I want to live. I think I deserve to be happy. And I shouldn't let myself be put down. I think it's time things start changing for me.. Because lord knows this next year is going to be full of enough changes as it is..

Monday, October 22, 2012

Wishes...

Right now, I wish I could make up my mind on, something. Anything really. I just. I feel like Im stuck, but I know it's my fault. I'm the one who has a hopeless dream of getting to be with someone who doesn't feel the same for me. I really like him. But he just wants to stay friends. And that feeling sucks. With scholarships and college and friends and the upcoming play... I just don't know where my heart is anymore.. It doesn't help that I feel like ive distanced myself from God. I know all I have to do is go bak to him. But I feel like I'm just stuck. I have to admit its been wonderful to have my cousin to talk to lately... Nice to know I'm not alone. 
It's been hard to not go back to old bad habits lately.. Extremely hard actually. I think I'm just going to goto bed... Is supposed to help everything, right? Night lovelies

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Friends...

Right now... I feel like as far as friends go, I suck. I hurt those who I care most about.. I just wish I could stop being this way.. And stop having a hard time getting thru things.. Because I feel like all I do is drag my close friend back.. She needs to have people around her who can always lift her up and create awesome memories for her in this senior year. I need to just.. Stop. For her. And for me I guess too. This is going to be a good year. I'm going to figure this out. This ones for you. Well... You don't actually read this.. But still.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Today.. Well overall it really wasnt that bad. I finished another college application.. Drama practice went pretty well( even though I suck and keep forgetting lines). I'm not failing any classes. I'm living and breathing and I have God on my side, so no, it wasn't a bad day.
But I hate hate hate having a dream about him, and feeling like I still have his sweatshirt on and then waking up and realizing that things are changing between us... And I don't understand why or what's going to happen. I don't like it.. It's like I'm losing him.. When I never officially had him. 
I'm hoping that my close friend, the one I called LaFawnda a few posts back?, was just having an off day today.. Because I'm pretty sure we only spoke like three words to each other the whole time. Hell, maybe it's me. It always seems to be me.. I am just soo good at pushing people away without realizing it.. Idk..like I said I hope it was just an off day because today was hell.. Tomorrow could be kinder though. See you soon

Friday, October 12, 2012

Change...

Good evening my three followers.. I'm sure you are all tired of my obnoxious pointless posts.. but well this is my blog and i'm going to write on it what I wish. and tonight I want to talk about my friends.. My closest friend, here I will call her LaFawnda, and I have been talking about college and our futures a whole lot lately.. Probably more often than I really like.. It's hard for me because she seems so ready for everything to come after graduation in the spring.. and I am not ready like her. She really is more like my sister to me than anything else.. We bother each other, call each other awful things in the most lovingly way haha, talk to each other about everything and are generally always around each other.. Anyway, we were talking about whether we think we'll stay close after graduation and everything.. I really hope we do, even if she moves two states away for college... She is basically my best friend, and she means the world to me. And I feel weird knowing that in a few short months, everything that i've known up until this point in my life is about to change drastically....
 Tonight at my school was senior night, where all the seniors get acknowledged. Of course, I started to tear up, because that's who I am sometimes, and I saw her after we came off the field, and I couldn't look at her without feeling like I was going to cry.. When she came back into the hallway after putting her stuff away, she came up to me and I was going to say goodbye, but she was like, "No, you have to hug me.. this was our last football game performance ever.." and it honestly took me by surprise, because she and I , throughout the course of our friendship have probably hugged each other a total of three times. It just showed me how much more I'm going to miss these times when i'm out of here... I love my friends so much. Then again, my other closest friend, barely even speaks to me anymore.. this  past week has been awful with that. I know he's going through some tough crap right now... But i hate this feeling of losing him already. Especially with how I feel about him.. so that kind of sucks... anyway, if you actually read this entire thing, congradulations you have now wasted a large amount of time on a pointless blog.. So, I will quit rambling now and get some sleep for tomorrow... If my friends happen to read this, know that I love you!

Thursday, October 11, 2012

I'm trying to convince myself that I care about him deeply, but do nt have any other feeling for him.. Actually I am trying very hard not to like him as more than a friend.. I just feel stuck right now.. And the thing is, he doesn't even know...

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

What To Do...

Today I have had quite a few things taxing my brain..
Part of it is just the normal school work, but on top of that I've also been thinking about a girl whose really close to me who is becoming really unhealthy with he'd self image, thinking about the drama within drama club that's driving me crazy, worrying about my freind because of everything that's been going on, worrying about my family, procrastinating college apps, and thinking about a guy who will most likely never think of me as more than a friend... Which really really sucks. I'm trying to just be okay, because it's not like I can change how he feels.. I just wish so much that it could/would work out.. I love spending time with him. I love the fact that even when he does things that drive me crazy, it's never enough to actually make me upset with him.
I'm reading a book right now called Dancing with the Devil... I'm kind of cynical about what it will be like. But a close friend, a sister really, told me that I really need too read it.. So I'm trying.. Alsoc I can't get over listening to Bon Iver on pandora. I love the variety that comes up. Okay, well I need to get to sleep soon... Goodnight!

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

It's actually kind of funny when you are talking to someone about something, and they have no clue that the reason you are so confused at the moment, is because of them. When you're talking about wishing something would happen and you know that it's them that you are actually talking about, but they have no idea.. But then again, given the circumstances, it's kind of sad

Saturday, October 6, 2012

I can't sleep... Why can't I just get you out of my head?. It's obvious that you don't feel the same... So why can't I stop thinking about you?.. Need. To. Sleep.

Indescribable...

Today's performance for marching band was unlike anything I've ever experienced... And it's not because the music was outstanding, or because I nailed my part of the forms were perfect or anything like that. In fact, if you were to ask me, I don't even think I could tell you how the performance went. Because throughout the entire performance, I couldn't shake the feeling that our band director whom pined heavens band this past Sunday, was standing right up next to our drum majors stand... It was one f the strangest things I've experienced. It was like he was completely here with us still... And I cried. It was extremely hard to be at a contest knowing that he would never be physically here with us anymore.. He was suck an amazing person, and definitely showed his amazing faith to me and everyone else who came in contact with him... He's being missed greatly right now... But I know it's better that he's no longer battling cancer anymore.. He is our true Matador..

I Can Respect This...

“Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.
Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag. She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.
She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.
Buy her another cup of coffee.
Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.
It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.
She has to give it a shot somehow.
Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.
Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.
Why be frightened of everything that you are not?Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series.
If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.
You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.
You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.
Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.”
By: Rosemarie Urquico (via kblitz)

Friday, October 5, 2012

Strange Feelings...

This week has been... Well crazy..
I wish I could get this feeling out of my head.. But he kind of has my head and heart all mixed up and I can't quite think straight.. And it kills that I feel like there is no way he feels the same. Because I'm happy just being with him, just hanging out... And a part of me just wants to tell him. But the other part of my doesn't want to, because then if he doesn't feel the same it could make our friendship really weird.. And I definitely don't want that..

Friday, September 28, 2012

Never Gone...

Literally, thank goodness it's Friday. It's been such an odd week. I can't even place my finger on what it is that's off.. It just is. But tonight I stumbled upon a song that just came out, and I got chills when I heard it. It's a song called 'Never Gone' (hence the title of this post) by Colton Dixon. Its seriously incredible. I definitely recommend it to everyone. So you should look it up!

Thursday, September 27, 2012

I'm sure you all have heard the little quote that goes something like like 'People come into your life maybe for a season, maybe for a reason, or maybe even a lifetime.' I whole-heartedly believe that God puts just the right people in your life right at that time Tht you need them most, even of you dont realize it right away. I am so blessed to have the people I do in my life. Something that I am struggling with though, is not feeling so alone. I hate being in a room full o people I know care about me, but yet feeling like I'm stuck by myself. I realize that this is just part of the battle with myself that I'm in. But it's rough.. And then I came across the story of Hosea again. And God's serious love for us is so incredible. I love how it is portrayed thru Hosea's life. If you've beer read it, I definitely suggest it. It put a whole new perspective on gods love of us in my mind. Night all.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Blessed...

It's those times that you realize that everything very well could turn out in the end that makes the bad days worth it. This week.. Well it hasn't been the easiest for me. Just some stuff going on. But my friends also have been struggling with things... And getting to really talk to them today was.. Wonderful. And what we talked about in Drama is so true.. We really do need to be compassionate to everyone..
When you have people in your life who change things for you. Who change your perspective on things and make you really look at life, I think you've got good people around you. I wish I had more patience to type out whats really on my mind, but tonight I don't. So for the time being, I'll just say, if you've gotten to spend a year with someone and you think they've changed you for the better, hang on to them. Because even if you grow apart or things don't work out, they are a huge part of who you are as a person. And if I had the chance, I wouldn't take it back. I would go for it. Love people, love God. Simple.
Count Your Blessings!

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Tomorrow is a big day... Mom is getting the results of her big scan back... And the news will determin what the next step is.. Idk. Honestly I'm nervous.. But I'm trying to just give it to God. So if you are a religious person, can you send up a little prayer that it's good news for my mom tomorrow?..
Now playing? Beautiful Beautiful

Tonight...

Tonight I'm wondering where on this earth you could be..
Are you busy?
Are you listening to your favorite music?
Or maybe even writing your own?
Are you drinking some coffee to keep you awake?
Or drinking some niquil to keep you asleep?
Are you sitting at home thinking of me?
Or do I never cross your mind anymore?
Are things getting any easier fr you?
Or do you still wish you could go back and change things?..
Is that a tear in your eye?
Or are you just trying to forget...

I'm tired.. But tonight?... Tonight I'm thinking of you.

Monday, September 17, 2012

I am completely convinced that I will have no teeth by the time that I turn 20, in spite of the fact that I brush my teeth twice a day. Why else do all of my teeth feel loose like baby teeth do before you lose them?!? Guess its a good thing i can get dentures...

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Tonight I realized something that I never before would have thought possible... As I was laying in bed I realized that I haven't actually thought about my da in a long time, forget wondering how he's doing. I never thought that I would have. Life where my dad isn't here for me. And realizing that if I have forgotten about thinking about him everyday, has he forgotten about me? Has he moved on and started a new life without me and my brothers? Does he ever think of me?... Nights like these are when I start panicking and wondering if I have run out of time to try to restart a relationship with him after a year and a half without him... I miss having him here like crazy. My fear is that he doesn't want anything to do with me and my brothers anymore... That he doesn't care. I wish I could have him back in my life, even though I know it wouldn't be the same. I just wish he were here. I wish he realized the depth of what he did... I wish a lot of things... But I know I can't control him. I just don't want to lose my dad completely... Ill stop now... It's just a tough night, especially with what's going on with my mom, and te fact that I really have to finish my college apps... I'm just, overwhelmed right now... I hope tomorrow is better.. G'night

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Last First time...

Well, today is my last first band contest... And I'm not really sure how I feel about it. Band is what has saved me for the past three years when I needed an escape. I really want this performance to be good today... Because when I roll my marimba out onto the field I know the past months worth of worries are going to disappear. I can't wait to lose myself In the music and the moment. Because this is what I'm going to remember 20 years from now, the moments that time seems to slow down and everything is crystal clear... I better go get ready. Time to put what's going on in my head on the back burner! Now playing? Once again it's Be My Escape by Reliant K

Friday, September 14, 2012

What It Means...

Sometimes I wonder if my friends realize just how much they mean to me... Because its night like tonight that just make me realize how blessed I am... I mean first of all, they all piled LaFawndas truck and drove to a little unknown town just to support my senior project. Then we all went to Wendy's and Walmart and just had a blast. Like, I don't think they realize that having times like that are what save me.. It's not like they even have to know that I'm still struggling, I go and hang out with them and it's a huge reminder of how amazing this is. I don't know where I'd be without them... Well I could hazard a guess as to where I'd be and it wouldn't be near as nice as where I'm headed right now. I know that I'm babbling... But it's just really... Huge for me that I have friends like this. I wish I could say more.. But I think I would be bored Myself if I were reading this blog, so I'll stop.! Night all!

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Mass Media...

My sociology class was assigned a paper asking your opinion of different things in media and how you think they have effected society.. I definitely think I'm going to have to tone down my opinion because I'm getting wayyy too into this paper..Edina is just such poien. Especially when it comes to body image and young people.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Levels of Difficulty...

No, the title to this post is not referring to gaming levels of difficulty or the level of difficulty of an excersise or something like that. It's referring to life, and the different difficulties that we face in our lifetimes. And again, I'm not referencing a great depression or a world war type difficulties either.  I'm mainly talking about the events in your life that are hard to swallow.. Like your dog running away, or realizing that an awful disease is taking the life of someone you love. More specially to me right now though, is how unbelievably hard it is to hold it together when I'm talking to my older brother on the phone and he starts crying into the phone because he misses you.. Hearing him make me promise to let him know if I need anything at all to just call him and he'll drop what he's doing and be here... Is incredible... But hearing him hurting because he hasn't seen us in a month... To me, that's pain. When the ones I love are hurting... That's like the highest level of difficulty of keeping it together for me... And it's hard for me to handle. Truth be told I haven't broken down in several months now to the point where I've made mistakes. But this is that feeling. That total pain. The all encompassing kind... I need to just sleep on it I guess... I wish things were different.

Monday, September 10, 2012

Lost...

"Sometimes someone comes into your life that changes everything. Raises the standards, makes you laugh, and makes you feel more.. Like you. There is something about him that you can't even put into words and even though you're not with him, you don't want to let him go..."
I wish my heart had a road map to tell me which way im supposed to go... Grr now playing? Hurricane streets by hey monday

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Positively...

In the words of P.M., "No one is sure of everything, but everyone is sure of something."
Tonight I've been reflecting on that... And there are a LOT of things that I'm not sure about. But I am sure about the the incredible family I have around me. That doesn't mean just blood family, that's everyone, my friends, my sisters and brothers that God put in my life, everyone. I know for sure that if I ever needed something or was in trouble, the group of people who surround me would take care of me, and vice versa. And that's a comfort tonight... Friday was a rough day. But in the midst of my years, a girl who I almost never converse with took my hand and comforted me. She had my back, and made sure I knew it. It showed me how blessed I really am. And I am so thankful go that girl who took my hand. I'm learning more each day o never take any relationship for granted. I hope you all do the same...
Now playing? Welcome To The Black Parade by My Chemical Romance....

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Listen..

Listen to God of This City the Chris Tomlin version.. And maybe Hold Us Together by Matt Mayer... It's fantastic. And I really needed these songs and more tonight.

Numbers 14
"9 only do not rebel against the Lord, and do not be afraid of the people of the land, because we will swallow them up. Their protection is gone, but the Lord is with us. Do not be afraid of them."

Motions

Tonight im tired. Tired of feeling insignificant. Tired of school. Tired of hurt, and crying. Tired of seeing the ones I love hurt. But mostly I'm tired of being tired. I hate how far from God I feel. Like I've been walking in the opposite direction without even noticing. And that's not who I want to be. If I were to be gone tomorrow, I want to be remembered for being a light for people, not someone who only puts others down... I guess I need to spend some time with Him.. Listening to The Motions by Matthew West... It's kind of amazing... Night all! I hope you have had a good day!

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

This morning the sunrise made me realize just how blessed I really am... I just. I take people for granted. And in realizing that now, I want to work on it. Because I get now that I messed up a possibility of a good thing. And I also saw how I was getting jealous even... So I wan to start treating life more delicately. I want to make sure everyone in my life knows how much I appreciate the things they do. Because honestly, we don't know how much time we have left. So why not spend the time you do have treating people well. It definitely sounds like a happier life to me... Idk, I'm extremely tired right now. I'll talk later!
The Silence (Acoustic)- Mayday Parade

Monday, September 3, 2012

No Title..

So today I filled out some college apps.. Well everything on them except for the essays I have to write.. I feel pretty productive though. It's kind of scary knowing that I'm starting my path to the future... Like that's crazy... Tonight I'm just going to suggest a song called Kiss Me by Ed Sheeren. It's really beautiful. I hope y'all enjoy it. Also, the lyrics of a Tay Swift song stuck out to me tonight. "I'd tell you I miss you but I don't know how, I've never heard silence quite this loud."

"Peace; it does not mean to be in a place with no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to b in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart."

I guess tonight I'm just trying to convince myself that it's okay to not be perfect.
Love You More...
Waking up at five in the morning gives a person much too much time to think things over. I kind of jus wish that I could talk to him... I feel like things are in limbo. But I doubt that I'll get to actually talk with him. Instead today I'm going to work at a food pantry and get busy on a project that I've been working on. I might just plug myself into my iPod for awhile and forget the world... But before I do I'll recommend a song callee Stubborn Love by the Lumineers to you. It's pretty good. Also, listen to the song Arms by Christina Perri if you haven't already heard it. Well, I probably should go get ready for the day.
Enjoy today!

Monday, August 27, 2012

Ponderisms...

So, today was kind of an awful day to be honest. But that doesn't matter..

Have you ever seen someone staring off into the distance and wondered what in the world they were thinking of? Because, to get my mind off of things today, I was making up stories about what different people were thinking about. Like, maybe the guy next to me as just thinking about what he was going to have for lunch today, or the girl across the hall was maybe thinking about whether her 'boyfriend' was thinking of her. Or maybe the person is just sitting there pondering just how badly they failed that quiz they just took. Maybe they are thinking about much deeper things, like wells for instance. Haha sorry, bad joke. But maybe they were thinking of college or family issues or maybe how they were going to make it thru the next day..
My point is, we can't really know what people are thinking about. We don't know what they're fighting or how they are struggling in their own life.. Maybe we should actually take the time to talk to one another.. Get to actually know the person next to you, instead o just. Asking for the answer of question five. You never know... Maybe you saying hi will be their only reason to smile that day.

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Seeing vs Believing..

So I've come to believe that just because a song comes from a musical or movie or whatever doesn't mean that it's going to have less heart than a song that some artist wrote that plays on the radio... And as cheesy or stupid as it sounds, my song of the day comes from a Disney movie. It's called Wouldn't Change A Thing... An I really think its worth listening to..


It's like, he doesn't hear a word I say,
His mind is somewhere far away,
And I don't know how to get there,
It's like all he wants is to chill out,
(She's serious)
He makes me wanna pull all my hair out
(She's always in a rush and interrupted)
Like he doesn't even care
(Like she doesn't even care)
You, me
We're face to face
But we don't see eye to eye
Like fire and rain (Like fire and rain)
You can drive me insane (You can drive me insane)
But I can't stay mad at you for anything
We're Venus and Mars (Venus and Mars)
We're like different stars (like different stars)
You're the harmony to every song I sing
And I wouldn't change a thing,
She's always trying to save the day,
Just wanna let my music play,
She's all or nothing,
But my feeling's never change,
Why does he try to read my mind?
(I try to read her mind)
It's not good to psychoanalyze,
(She tries to pick a fight to get attention)
That's what all of my friends say,
(That's what all of my friends say),
You, me
We're face to face,
But we don't see eye to eye,
Like fire and rain (Like fire and rain)
You can drive me insane (You can drive me insane)
But I can't stay mad at you for anything,
We're Venus and Mars (Venus and Mars)
We're like different stars (like different stars).
but you're the harmony to every song I sing,
And I wouldn't change a thing,
 When I'm yes, she's no,
When I hold on, he just lets go,
We're perfectly imperfect,
But I wouldn't change a thing, no.
Like fire and rain (Like fire and rain)
You can drive me insane (You can drive me insane)
But I can't stay mad at you for anything,
We're Venus and Mars (Venus and Mars)
We're like different stars (like different stars)
but you're the harmony to every song I sing,
And I wouldn't change a thing,
But I can't stay mad at you for anything,
We're Venus and Mars (Venus and Mars)
We're like different stars (like different stars)
but you're the harmony to every song I sing
And I wouldn't change a
Wouldn't change a thing

Friday, August 17, 2012

To All the Guys Out There...

So, there is a song that's been out for a little while that pretty much sums up some of the things that completely melts a girls heart. As in, if someone were to tell ME these things, heaven forbid sing it, I would most likely start crying. This beautiful song is by an upcoming Alt-country artist named Hunter Hayes. The song? Wanted. It's literally amazing. Just so you can get an idea, here's some of the lyrics. But if you really want to understand why I love this song so much, go look it up. Right now. Literally, stop reading this and look up this song!

'Cause I wanna wrap you up, Wanna kiss your lips, I wanna make you feel wanted, And I wanna call you mine, Wanna hold your hand forever, Never let you forget it, Yeah, I wanna make you feel wanted"

"Anyone can tell you you're pretty, You get that all the time, I know you do, But your beauty's deeper than the makeup. And I wanna show you what I see tonight."

Night all!

Saturday, August 11, 2012

11:01 p.m.

So basically, tonight has been rough for me. I'm not even 100% sure why... I've been thinking of all the things that really got me thru this past year. And besides God and my family(which isn't just blood, trust me). Music is what pulled me through. And the one power ballad that practically describes what I was/am going through is Skyscraper... Because yes, I've made some crappy choices. I've pushed people away and maybe even brought in people who were toxic to me. But everyday ive gotten stronger in some way, through this. And I have been pulling myself back up. Risings if you will.. So even though I've mentioned this song before, listen to it. And maybe even look up the interviews talking about the background of it... Music is a powerful thing.. Just remember that..


You can take everything I am. You can break everything I have; like I'm made of glass... 
Like I'm made of paper.. Go on and try to tear me down, cause I will be rising from the ground. Like a SKYSCAPER... 


Friday, August 10, 2012

Corn-y day...

Saw this quote tonight and it fits today perfectly.. 'I'm someone else when I'm with you.. Someone more like myself.'


Also, one of my favorite things P.M. Said today 'I wonder if people drive through here and wonder, why did they name these corn fields 'Walton'?'

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Stronger...

So, lately, i've been thinking. And ive decided that i'm not like everyone else. Now, don't get me wrong, i'm not saying that i think i'm better than anyone else, it's quite the opposite really. I just don't believe that i think like the rest of my peers. I don't really know how to describe it. so, i'll just leave ya'll with a little playlist so that you can get inside my head a little..
Playlist #2
1. A Little Bit Stronger- Sara Evans
2. Ours- Taylor Swift
3. Our July In The Rain (Stripped)- He Is We
4. Ships in the Night- Mat Kearney
5. I Caught Myself- Paramore
6. Say You Like Me- We The Kings
7.Vulnerable- Secondhand Serenade
8. Invisible- Taylor Swift
9. Break Down Here- Julie Roberts
10. Down- Jason Walker

Toodles..

Saturday, August 4, 2012

App Happy...

So it's almost midnight and what am I doing? Playing freaking Tiny Wings and Coin Dozer. I seriously need to put a lock on this phone Tht shuts it off automatically. Because I'm seriously got to get some sleep soon.. But then again, who wouldn't want to stay awake and play with the 360 Panoramic App? But thei title of this post isn't just about Applicatioms for my phone, it also refers to the happy Appaloosa horses I've been working with(: well, actually one is an Appy, and there's also a Paint and a mini horse. There's nothing like working in the barn all day. It just kind of makes one feel accomplished when you see the horses with shiny coats and the barn in tip-top shape. And even though this post is super short, I've seriously got to shut this thig off and try to get a couple hours of sleep. Now playing?? Our July in the Rain (acoustic) by He Is We

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Breakable...

So a few posts ago I talked bout my love of country music.. To accentuate that, tonight's post is a bout a recent song out there playing on those radio waves across the country. It's a little song called Glass by a band called Thompson Square. Now, Thompson Square has a few good songs out there, but this one is by far my favorite. It starts out with “Trying to live and love, with a heart that can be broke, is like trying to see the light with eyes that can’t be opened…” it's like it's talking about how even though there are risks every time you enter anew relationship, you have to be willing to let down your walls that youve built around yourself. Its telling us that we HAVE to take risks, to put ourselves out on the line. Because yeah, bad things can and probably will happen to you at times, but you have to be willing to try again.. Anyway, seriously look up this song. It's well written and beautiful. “We may shine, we may shatter, we may be picking up the pieces here on after, we are fragile, we are human, we are shaped by the light we let through us, but we break fast, ’cause we are glass”
Night love!

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Strange Day...

Well... Today I baked a cake, made some brownies, taught my closest guy friend how to knit, realized how much I miss an old friendship, and realized that one relationship seems totally lost.. Now Playing? So Hard To Breathe by B.o.b. and surprisingly, I can't get enough of this song.. Night y'all..

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Nothing Like Country...

There's just something about summer nights that draw me towards country music... It's like my first love; it's what I grew up on. The twangy southern drawls, the sound of Slide guitars, the lyrics of heartbreak, family, and beer, especially the warm feeling it gives me. It's definately a big part of who I am. And it's nights like these where I feel so lost in the world that I realize that turning on an old country radio station takes me back to the days when things were still okay. When my family wasn't torn, when friends came easy, when my brothers and I were still close, when the world still seemed fresh to me. I can remember the countless afternoons in the sun listening to country while we worked on our then new house. Sometimes it just makes me cry; realizing how much has changed and how much I miss.. It makes me miss my dad. It makes me feel a million things that just listening to top forty music doesn't. So tonight I'll leave y'all with a short playlist of some good country tunes of my youth.(: hope you can enjoy... Because they're what's getting me thru tonight. 1. Strawberry Wine- Deana Carter 2.The Way You Love Me- Faith Hill 3. People Are Crazy- Billy Currington 4.No Shoes No Shirt No Problem- Kenny Chesney 5. Skin- Rascal Flatts 6.Carlene- Phil Vasser 7.I will.. But- SheDaisy 8.Goodbye Earl- Dixie Chicks 9. I Hope You Dance- LeeAnn Womack 10. Mississippi Girl- Faith Hill 11. 19 Something- Mark Wills 12.Leave The Pieces- The Wreckers 13. Remember When- Alan Jackson 14. Jesus Take the Wheel- Carrie Underwood 15. Kerosene- Miranda Lambert

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Breakfast!

Orange Gatorade and Graham crackers... The breakfast of champions right?! Well.. It tasted good anyway. Hope today is fantastic! Yesterday was like a perfect mix of awful an wonder. It was awful because my big mouth got in the way again and it had wonder because I got to chill with a friend Tht I havent seen in forever. My jam this morning? Ho Hey by the Lumineers. Dig it

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Polyrhythms...

Today I'm tired again, with a bit of a headache. But it's a good kind of headache because I learned how to play polyrhythms today. Which is actually pretty exciting to me haha. Also, I'm in absolute love with Tyler Wards cover of Taylor Swifts song 'Mine'. Love love love it!

Monday, July 16, 2012

A Little Peace...

Today has been in few words, exhausting. I'm just tired. Mentally anyway.. But I spent some time with an adult figure this evening talking about how I feel with the future. And he really shed some light on the subject. I need to stop asking how I'm going to do it, and just let God do it. Because I've been stressing over the unknown, which is really a waste of time. I learned quite a bit tonight. And while I'm still a little nervous, I know I'm going to be oaky with it. Now playing? Breathe by He Is We.. Currently my favorite song..

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Playlist #1

Give 'em a listen if you want. Good bands, good lyrics, chill feel. It fits today. Kinda gloomy in NoWhereVille, USA... Really though, these are some good grooves! Take some time and enjoy them. Much love, A

1. Prove You Wrong- HeisWe
2. It's Not Over- Secondhand Serenade
3. Be My Escape(Acoustic)- Reliant K
4. Such Great Heights- The Postal Service
5. Tongue Tied- Grouplove
6. Beautiful Girls(cover)- Boyce Avenue
7. Mess I Made- Parachute
8 Arms- Christina Perri
9. No One/Tattoo (cover)- Boyce Avenue
10. Say You Like Me- We The Kings
11. Blame It On The Rain- He Is We
12. 1901- Pheonix
13. Three Cheers for Five Years(Acoustic)- Mayday Parade
14. We'll Be A Dream- We The Kings ft. Demi Lovato
15. You and Me- Lighthouse
16. Walk Me Down the Middle- The Band Perry
17. Dare4Distance- NeverShoutNever
18. Some Nights- fun.
19. November- Azure Rae
20. Breathe- He Is We

Friday, July 13, 2012

Bologna...

The title of this probably doesn't make sense.. But then again right now nothing is making sense... Right now I'm having some issues with the fact that I only have a year left in school. I know I've mentioned this before. But this is my blog so I'll be repetitive if i want. I honestly don't feel old enough to be a year from graduating. I feel so immature compared to my close peers. An it's kind of a Lost feeling.. On a side note, I haven't Been able to get the memory of my Uncle always saying 'Yourr full of bologna' jokingly when I was little. I mid the dys where things weren't complicated. When the biggest decision I had to make was what kind of snack I wanted after my nap. Now playing? Fancy by Reba.. It's an old country songs kind of night. Do you miss me? No? It's okay... I wouldn't miss me either.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Musings from a midnight kind of gal...

'The reason so many people have a hard time being happy is because they believe the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be.'

Stupid Internet...

Recently I have rediscovered the fact that I hate the interenet. The most recent reason? The fact that I had to get a new email address because my other one was mysteriously shut down. Gotta love hackers. But that also means that all the college information that is getting sent to that email I cannot recieve now. Maybe its a sign that i'm not supposed to go to college? I don't know. Right now, all I'm sure of is that, after posting this, I will be weeding for the rest of the morning. Yay!!!
Now playing? Track 4 of Patrick's Violin Mix.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Hard to Handle...

Have you ever been told something or seen something that was difficult to bear? Like bad news coming from a doctor.. Or learning that your friend is depressed, or even realizing that you've succeeded in unknowingly pushed someone else out of your life? Im not gonna lie, today's been a tough day. It's hard having my mom not trust me. It's hard seeing someone so sick have to actu like she's not so no one asks questions. And... Well it was really hard for me to be in the same room a my friend and feel so utterly detached. Like I didn't even know her. Which could be true. That's the thing, I don't even know. I've spent my whole life on the outside looking in; sometimes by choice, but more often than not by fate. And I'm tired of that. I'm hoping that a lot can change in the month that's left of summer. In the meantime, y'all should look up Maroon 5's new album. I'm loving it! I really need to earn some money so I can buy the actual CD haha. Really like the songs The Man Who Never Lied and Beautiful Goodbye! Night all..

Sunday, June 24, 2012

College...

So this is the summer before my senior year. And I'm kind of freaking out. Along with other things, I have no idea what I want to do after high school.. All my childhood I was saying that I wanted to be a nurse. To work with children. But I seriously don't think that's what I want to do anymore. After attending this workshop, I realized that I want to do something that's bigger than me. That what I've been dreaming to do with my life is nothing compared to what God had in store for me. I feel like I'm ping to have to make a choice between philanthropy and a solid financial life as an adult. I just really feel like I'm not ready to be making decisions about a future that I'm unsure of what I even what to do... Any suggestions?

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Society..

So last night I got to spend some time was a pretty good friend young friend of mine. She's only going into 7th grade and I swear she is the sweetest girl. She is still able to find good in everyone, and she just has a beautiful outlook on life. It hit me last night when she left, that she hasn't been hit with society's dreads yet. She hasn't been completely dumped into the world where you have to be a size two to be beautiful. Don't get me wrong, I remember being in elementary school and feeling bad because I wasn't as tiny as all my friend so I know she's been exposed to the world of bullies simply because that's how school is. But I am just saying she hasn't been totally corrupted with what society says is 'normal'. My heart just aches for her to never let society get the best of her. Because she is a beautiful soul. And I've seen too many people my own age get demoralized because of society. And I look at this younger generation and I yearn for things to change for them. But I think it really starts with us. Me and my peers. Because we are the ones that can start to change things. To be different. To prove that you don't have to be a certain size, listen to a certain kind of music, or drink and do drugs. We are the ones that can lead the revolution to beat society's view on perfect. We can be the ones who are accepting of everyone. We don't have to sit by and watch this younger generation fall into the current footsteps of us and be conpletely trashed by the way things in this world are going.. Sorry for the rant...

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Family...

I always thought that when we grew up we would be close.. I never dreamed that I would actually exclude myself o much that now, all I can do is what you hurting and not be able to do anything. On one side I haveone girl who is trying to grow up way too fast... And I worry about her greatly.. I also have one girl who is making poor decisions and isn't able to see the extent of what she's doing.. I don't want to lose her to the awful grasps of this world that seems to have already sucked her and her younger sister in. On my other side though... I find myself with a whole other kind of worry.. The kind that keeps you up at night because you have no idea If they are okay or not. And with the choices that are being made.. Well I'm worried. And honestly, after I think about these three, I think about me, and I never thought I'd be where I am. I've made choices that I now have to own up to and I have to face some issues that I've caused and situations that pushed me to make awful decisions.. When we were younger I never saw any of us growing up like this. I just hope I'm not too late to try to fix relationships with them... Because Lord knows this family needs a little healing all throughout it... Night all...

Holes in the Ground..

Sometimes I feel like in my relationships with people, I have to fine tune what each person can handle, and I keep the things that I don't think they can grasp from them.. And it makes me think of when I'm walking through a cornfield. Fields aren't smooth, and you can't always see what you're stepping on before your foot lands. And inevitably, sometimes your foot sinks into a, hence the title I this blog, hole in the ground. In my life I feel like the things that certain people don't know about me are holes in the ground, in that when I do open up about them, people seem to stumble. There reactions are always different. They might not even know what to do because the hole may seem too deep.. Sometimes I wish things weren't as complicated as they are.. But I guess if this is what God thinks I can handle, I'll go with it. Btw, if you haven't heard it already, look up the song Changed by Rascal Flatts. And if you don't 'like country music', put that thought away an just listen to the words of this song.

Busy Bee...

Today was ridiculous... It's definitely been a whirlwind. But I guess tonight I got my comic relief when I was eating lucky charms in my living room with my younger brother. He was laughing at me because I ate all the cereal pieces first and ate the marshmallows last, which was the opposite of what he did. I told him its because I like to save the best for last, whereas he apparently is the type of person who lives life in the moment, and enjoys what he has now. So he ate the marshmallows first and ate the less desirable cereal pieces last. He just looked at me when I finished saying that and laughed and said that he couldnt believe I just made a huge philosophical connection between life and A General Mills cereal. Ha so I guess I'm philosophical? Nick Jonas- Who I Am....

Monday, June 11, 2012

Woah...

So you know that person that I mentioned a few days ago, the one that contacted me out of the blue? Well ive been talking to him tonight. And I found out the real reason he stopped talking to me. And I found out that it was just because of things my 'friends' had told him.. He had believed them over me, so he cut himself away from me. I honestly did NOT expect whathe told me... I guess that's the joy of rumors, you get to know things about yourself that you never knew. Ha. Iean obviously it's totally in the past. But still.

"Home"...

My song of the night has got me thinking.. First off I should probably elaborate on just what song it is that has me thinking. Which would be, hence the name of this post, Home by Phillip Phillips, the American Idol Winner. There is one line in that song that says this, 'settle down, it'll all be clear.". And it made me start to realize that I need talk less and listen more. I realize that that is not at all what that line was meaning, but that's what it has me pondering. Like, if we 'settle down' our lives a little, and listen to those around us, maybe even use a little bit of 'old fashioned' manners, we could really figure things out in our lives. Maybe the old times when things were simpler really was all its cracked up to be. Think about it, back then there werent 3,000,000 Americans who would harm themselves because they're depressed. There weren't NEAR as many divorces that split families apart. People actually worked for their money. Blood sweat and years went into their jobs and they could actually be proud of their work. To me, that just sounds amazing. So im going to take a small step back and try to incorporate some of those simple jestures of kindness that used to be nomenclature and see where it takes me. This world could use a little 'good' in it... So why not start with me?

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Missing...

So while going through some old music, I realized something. I miss Audrey and Micah... They graduated two years ago, and while I didn't always fit in or get along with them, they were really awesome people. Audrey introduced me to some pretty awesome music like Bon Iver, City and Colour, and Pheonix. And Micah NEVER failed to make me smile even on my worst day.. Haven't talked to either of them in ages... I wonder how they are.. anyway, a little inside on me? I've always wanted to have a relationship/ friend where we can swap mix CDs of our favorite songs.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Super Weird...

Have you ever just heard from someone who used to be in your life just out of the blue? Where you weren't even thinking about them and then all of the sudden there they are again? That's sort of what happened last night. I was just sitting by our hotel pool, and my phone went off. I couldn't believe the name that came up on that text message. I haven't heard from him in literally months. And really, his message was just as surprising. I honestly can really believe that he was apologizing after all this time. But it really meant a lot that he did. It shows that people really do change. I hope we can regain some of our old friendship. On another note, and I hope you know that I'm talking about you, you should listen to You Can't Win by Kelly Clarkson. I know, I know, another female artist. But seriously listen.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Such a long day....

You know it's going to be a Long day when you start it at a truck stop at three in the morning. But it was totally worth it. My eyes may be bloodshot and my body may be sunburned but today really was good. I'm just super tired. Although I have to say when I got on the bus to go get dinner and Demi Lovatos song Trainwreck came on and it made my day. I really love that song... You should look it up.

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Just Keep Swimming....

As I am about to get in a car for the next 24 hours, I decided to write a quick post informing anyone who read this of the tricks to survive a long car ride with family. First of all, I would suggest an iPod with headphones. You know, just in case you need to tune out for a while. 2. A book (that is, if you can read without getting carsick.) 3. Snacks (because as I well know, any road trip isn't complete without snacks and tunes.) 4. Actual road maps. (because honestly? Sometimes GPS really sucks.) 5. A notebook ( for me, I like to jot down little notes about the place we stop..) 6. REDBULL. ( because I'm not a big fan of sleeping in cars and then waking up with a big kink in my neck. ) 7. Lastly, sunglasses. (mainly because I love wearing them. Also, people in other cars can't tell if you are making fun of them or whether you are just enjoying the scenic drives. Haha) And I'm off! Love y'all! Now playing, On The Road Again

Friday, June 1, 2012

Rolling...

So tomorrow my family and I are embarking on a little thing I like to call vacation. We are going to a beach far far away. And we are also visiting the 'happiest place on earth'. But let's go back to the beach part.. I'm almost not looking forward to it.. Because I have to wear a bathing suit. And I really... Well let's just say I'm super insecure when it comes to me and swim suits... It doesn't help that I know there will be tons over skinny girls all around that will most likely make myself feel like shit about how I look. I'm just too self conscious for this... So I'm not really sure how this is going to go. I think I'll need a miracle... Right now, I have Fall For you by Secondhand serenade playing in the background.. Brings back some huge memories... Night folks!

Thursday, May 31, 2012

S-i-m-p-l-i-f-y...

Honestly? These pas few days have been pretty awful. Things are spinning way too fast right now.. A little too much stress for me. And as I'm laying in my bed tonight, I made the decision to simplify my life. I'm starting by getting off of all but one social networking site that I am on. These things seem to just take up valuable brain space that I could be putting towards more useful things. Not to mention they are a big time waster for me. I've also been working on my outlook.. How I see things... It's been, well let's jus say rough lately, and I need to get myself thinking positive about things.. Even when I epically screw things up with people. In the words of an amazing person that I never got the pleasure of meeting, "Love God. Love people. Simple." night all! -a

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Thinking...

I've got a lot on my mind and luckily, a lot of time tonight to do said thinking. The first thing on my mind? Honestly I've been going over the counts to a mallet excercise from my practice tonight. And it goes a little something like this: 1-e-a 2-and 3-e-a 4-and. Haha yeah. That's my life for ya(: the second thing I'm thinking about is whether I should have given him more time than I did.. I feel like something great could have happened. But I feel like as every second passes the 'us' that could have been slips farther into the past. The third thing I'm thinking about is what am I going to think years from now when I look back on this year. This the scars have faded? Will I remember any of these lyrics that I so adore right now? Will I still have some of the same friends in my life? There is also some other deep stuff going through my head.. But I feel like it doesn't really matter enough to put it on here for you all to read. So goodnight for now...

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

I like it.. (:

"Honestly, I'm not sure if I should just keep holding on or let go. It's stupid to hold on to something that just keep hurting you.. But it's also stupid to let go of everything you've wanted." "I don't want a serious relationship. I'm a teenager. I want someone I can be a complete idiot around, that we can spend hours talking about the most pointless of things. I want someone who can make me laugh and who I can plan stupid things with that will never actually happen. Because even though I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic, I'm sick of seeing all these movies where the girls fall in love with the perfect boy. Who wants perfect? I want adventure. I want someone I can tell my secrets to and waste my weekend with and act like we are five years old again. I want to have fun." "She may come across as hard to get, but that's because she's been through some things, seen some things and been there, done that. She's cold, yes. But only because she once cared about someone who failed to care about her. She's built a fortress to protect her heart from further damage. You may have told her that you're different, but she won't believe it until you prove it. Words don't mean a thing and actions mean everything."

Monday, May 28, 2012

Listen..

"I'm just saying it's fine by me, If you never leave. And we can lay like this forever, It's fine by me." Fine By Me - Andy Grammar

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Garblegarlsiele.

Yes. The title says it all, right? In other words I'm super tired, have a headache and my knee seems to want to just quit. Marching today pretty much sucked. But it's over and technically it's a good memory but whatever. Tomorrow's graduation... It's kind of a sad thing for me.. One girl is graduating that I got to know pretty well.. And honestly, even though she drove me crazy sometimes, she's also the only person that I've ever been able to call in the middle of the night when I'm breaking down.. In other news... I'm fairly certain that I have somehow managed to put myself forever in the friend zone. It's pretty much what I do. That's what I get for not being good with making decisions and having trust issues. Oh well.. A dog that you should probably look up if you don't know it already is Boston by Augustana.... Pretty much on repeat right now... Well I'm dead tired.. So goodnight

Friday, May 25, 2012

Looking back while running forward...

So with the school year basically over... I've been looking back and realizing everything that has changed this past year. I started the year by basically losing my best friend. I made some new great friends. I acted in a fee plays and I won a state title. But I myself have also changed. Maybe not for the better or ever for the worse.. But I have changed... And now as I'm blasting towards my senior year I find myself looking back wondering what would have happened if I had done some things differently.. Would I have actually passed that class? Would I have gone to that dance? Maybe even gone to that party or kissed that boy that I had been talking to? I'm not looking back and regretting... Just wondering I guess. And I'm also wondering if I actually changed for the worse... Whether I really did fall into this hole too deep to the point that I've shut everyone out. Idk... Tonight I also made the mistake of weighing myself... Not a good thing to do... But whatever.. I wish I would hear from him.. I don't want to lose this guy friend... Now playing? Dancing Away With My Heart by Lady antebellum... Maybe you should give it a listen.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

177 down, 3 to go...

Three days of school left. And today was actually pretty good. I didn't do much at school, I mowed my yard, went to youth group, made brownies, and watched American Idol. And my favorite idol, Phillip Phillips won! I literally teared up when he won and started to sing his new single "Home". It was fantastic, he was fantastic. I just loved it. And in the middle of the song he had to just stop because he started crying. He was so humble about it and he went down before the song ended and hugged his dad. I'm really glad he won. So basically, I'm tired.. So I'm about done... "you get lost you can always be found. Jus know you're not alone, I'm gonna make this place your home." -home by Phillip Phillips... I love it!!!..

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Truthfully...

Today has literally been awful... Don't get me wrong, it was gorgeous outside and we only have four days of school left... But today just wasnt good. I don't understand how people can be so utterly cruel. I mean, how can you say something like that? Do you even realize what that's doing to me? I don't understand.... I actually was told that someone had bad news for me three times today. And each one wasn't just bad, it was awful. These are the days that I just want to forget all this. Where I wish I moved somewhere where no one knows my name. Because around here, it seems like people think tag just because they know my name they automatically know my whole story. But knowing my name doesn't even scratch the surface of my life. And to you-know-who out there, if you had to ask you obviously don't need to know. You and I both know you dont care about what's going on with me anymore. I should probably stop now... All I'm doing is ranting... I need to be able to breathe.

Monday, May 21, 2012

A Little Bit of Me...

I cannot say this any better than this song... Long Live by Twylor Swift "I said remember this moment, in the back of my mind The time we stood with our shaking hands The crowds in the stands went wild We were the Kings and the Queens And they read off our names The night you danced like you knew our lives Would never be the same You held your head like a hero On a history book page It was the end of a decade But the start of an age Long live the walls we crashed through All the kingdom lights shined just for me and you I was screaming long live all the magic we made And bring on all the pretenders One day, we will be remembered I said remember this feeling I passed the pictures around Of all the years that we stood there On the side-lines wishing for right now We are the Kings and the Queens You traded your baseball cap for a crown When they gave us our trophies And we held them up for our town And the cynics were outraged Screaming "this is absurd" Cause for a moment a band of thieves In ripped up jeans got to rule the world Long live the walls we crashed through All the kingdom lights shined just for me and you I was screaming long live all the magic we made And bring on all the pretenders I'm not afraid Long live all the mountains we moved I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you I was screaming long live that look on your face And bring on all the pretenders One day, we will be remembered Hold on to spinning around Confetti falls to the ground May these memories break our fall Will you take a moment, promise me this That you'll stand by me forever But if God forbid fate should step in And force us into a goodbye If you have children some day When they point to the pictures Please tell them my name Tell them how the crowds went wild Tell them how I hope they shine Long live the walls we crashed through I had the time of my life, with you Long, long live the walls we crashed through All the kingdom lights shined just for me and you I was screaming long live all the magic we made And bring on all the pretenders I'm not afraid Singing, long live all the mountains we moved I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you And long, long live that look on your face And bring on all the pretenders One day, we will be remembered"

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Saturday Night Thoughts...

Good evening! I'd like to call this meeting to order. First off, I'd just like to say that my least favorite number is 8. Second, my hair is currently in braids. Not like the kind of braids that are totally in style, but like little girl braids down the side of my head. Haha I love it. Today was really really nice out. I spent all day with my mom and it was nice. We didn't do a darn thing, but it was great just being in each others company. She seems a little off lately... The nausea has been much worse lately. The third thing I'd like to put out here is the results to my experiment I mentioned the other day. Well, the results show that only two people tried to talk to me. One was just asked a question that I didn't know the answer to, and one had a very short text convo with me but then said nothing for the next two days... So yeah, these findings really suck. Like bad. But I halfway expected this, so it's okay. I've decided that really, on life if you don't like something, you should just change it. And well, I don't like me. So I think it's that time again for some growing up, re-evaluating, and some sweat, because I'm ready to just surround myself with those who care and I love and work on getting me back to healthy. I'm ready to be truly happy. I need this. So, I guess if you don't hear very much from me, you might be something that changed in my life. I love you guys who are actually out there reading this! Enjoy tonight... -A