Tonight I realized something that I never before would have thought possible... As I was laying in bed I realized that I haven't actually thought about my da in a long time, forget wondering how he's doing. I never thought that I would have. Life where my dad isn't here for me. And realizing that if I have forgotten about thinking about him everyday, has he forgotten about me? Has he moved on and started a new life without me and my brothers? Does he ever think of me?... Nights like these are when I start panicking and wondering if I have run out of time to try to restart a relationship with him after a year and a half without him... I miss having him here like crazy. My fear is that he doesn't want anything to do with me and my brothers anymore... That he doesn't care. I wish I could have him back in my life, even though I know it wouldn't be the same. I just wish he were here. I wish he realized the depth of what he did... I wish a lot of things... But I know I can't control him. I just don't want to lose my dad completely... Ill stop now... It's just a tough night, especially with what's going on with my mom, and te fact that I really have to finish my college apps... I'm just, overwhelmed right now... I hope tomorrow is better.. G'night