Never Gone...

Literally, thank goodness it's Friday. It's been such an odd week. I can't even place my finger on what it is that's off.. It just is. But tonight I stumbled upon a song that just came out, and I got chills when I heard it. It's a song called 'Never Gone' (hence the title of this post) by Colton Dixon. Its seriously incredible. I definitely recommend it to everyone. So you should look it up!

I'm sure you all have heard the little quote that goes something like like 'People come into your life maybe for a season, maybe for a reason, or maybe even a lifetime.' I whole-heartedly believe that God puts just the right people in your life right at that time Tht you need them most, even of you dont realize it right away. I am so blessed to have the people I do in my life. Something that I am struggling with though, is not feeling so alone. I hate being in a room full o people I know care about me, but yet feeling like I'm stuck by myself. I realize that this is just part of the battle with myself that I'm in. But it's rough.. And then I came across the story of Hosea again. And God's serious love for us is so incredible. I love how it is portrayed thru Hosea's life. If you've beer read it, I definitely suggest it. It put a whole new perspective on gods love of us in my mind. Night all.

Blessed...

It's those times that you realize that everything very well could turn out in the end that makes the bad days worth it. This week.. Well it hasn't been the easiest for me. Just some stuff going on. But my friends also have been struggling with things... And getting to really talk to them today was.. Wonderful. And what we talked about in Drama is so true.. We really do need to be compassionate to everyone..
When you have people in your life who change things for you. Who change your perspective on things and make you really look at life, I think you've got good people around you. I wish I had more patience to type out whats really on my mind, but tonight I don't. So for the time being, I'll just say, if you've gotten to spend a year with someone and you think they've changed you for the better, hang on to them. Because even if you grow apart or things don't work out, they are a huge part of who you are as a person. And if I had the chance, I wouldn't take it back. I would go for it. Love people, love God. Simple.
Count Your Blessings!

Tomorrow is a big day... Mom is getting the results of her big scan back... And the news will determin what the next step is.. Idk. Honestly I'm nervous.. But I'm trying to just give it to God. So if you are a religious person, can you send up a little prayer that it's good news for my mom tomorrow?..
Now playing? Beautiful Beautiful

Tonight...

Tonight I'm wondering where on this earth you could be..
Are you busy?
Are you listening to your favorite music?
Or maybe even writing your own?
Are you drinking some coffee to keep you awake?
Or drinking some niquil to keep you asleep?
Are you sitting at home thinking of me?
Or do I never cross your mind anymore?
Are things getting any easier fr you?
Or do you still wish you could go back and change things?..
Is that a tear in your eye?
Or are you just trying to forget...

I'm tired.. But tonight?... Tonight I'm thinking of you.

I am completely convinced that I will have no teeth by the time that I turn 20, in spite of the fact that I brush my teeth twice a day. Why else do all of my teeth feel loose like baby teeth do before you lose them?!? Guess its a good thing i can get dentures...

Tonight I realized something that I never before would have thought possible... As I was laying in bed I realized that I haven't actually thought about my da in a long time, forget wondering how he's doing. I never thought that I would have. Life where my dad isn't here for me. And realizing that if I have forgotten about thinking about him everyday, has he forgotten about me? Has he moved on and started a new life without me and my brothers? Does he ever think of me?... Nights like these are when I start panicking and wondering if I have run out of time to try to restart a relationship with him after a year and a half without him... I miss having him here like crazy. My fear is that he doesn't want anything to do with me and my brothers anymore... That he doesn't care. I wish I could have him back in my life, even though I know it wouldn't be the same. I just wish he were here. I wish he realized the depth of what he did... I wish a lot of things... But I know I can't control him. I just don't want to lose my dad completely... Ill stop now... It's just a tough night, especially with what's going on with my mom, and te fact that I really have to finish my college apps... I'm just, overwhelmed right now... I hope tomorrow is better.. G'night

Last First time...

Well, today is my last first band contest... And I'm not really sure how I feel about it. Band is what has saved me for the past three years when I needed an escape. I really want this performance to be good today... Because when I roll my marimba out onto the field I know the past months worth of worries are going to disappear. I can't wait to lose myself In the music and the moment. Because this is what I'm going to remember 20 years from now, the moments that time seems to slow down and everything is crystal clear... I better go get ready. Time to put what's going on in my head on the back burner! Now playing? Once again it's Be My Escape by Reliant K

What It Means...

Sometimes I wonder if my friends realize just how much they mean to me... Because its night like tonight that just make me realize how blessed I am... I mean first of all, they all piled LaFawndas truck and drove to a little unknown town just to support my senior project. Then we all went to Wendy's and Walmart and just had a blast. Like, I don't think they realize that having times like that are what save me.. It's not like they even have to know that I'm still struggling, I go and hang out with them and it's a huge reminder of how amazing this is. I don't know where I'd be without them... Well I could hazard a guess as to where I'd be and it wouldn't be near as nice as where I'm headed right now. I know that I'm babbling... But it's just really... Huge for me that I have friends like this. I wish I could say more.. But I think I would be bored Myself if I were reading this blog, so I'll stop.! Night all!

Mass Media...

My sociology class was assigned a paper asking your opinion of different things in media and how you think they have effected society.. I definitely think I'm going to have to tone down my opinion because I'm getting wayyy too into this paper..Edina is just such poien. Especially when it comes to body image and young people.

Levels of Difficulty...

No, the title to this post is not referring to gaming levels of difficulty or the level of difficulty of an excersise or something like that. It's referring to life, and the different difficulties that we face in our lifetimes. And again, I'm not referencing a great depression or a world war type difficulties either.  I'm mainly talking about the events in your life that are hard to swallow.. Like your dog running away, or realizing that an awful disease is taking the life of someone you love. More specially to me right now though, is how unbelievably hard it is to hold it together when I'm talking to my older brother on the phone and he starts crying into the phone because he misses you.. Hearing him make me promise to let him know if I need anything at all to just call him and he'll drop what he's doing and be here... Is incredible... But hearing him hurting because he hasn't seen us in a month... To me, that's pain. When the ones I love are hurting... That's like the highest level of difficulty of keeping it together for me... And it's hard for me to handle. Truth be told I haven't broken down in several months now to the point where I've made mistakes. But this is that feeling. That total pain. The all encompassing kind... I need to just sleep on it I guess... I wish things were different.

Lost...

"Sometimes someone comes into your life that changes everything. Raises the standards, makes you laugh, and makes you feel more.. Like you. There is something about him that you can't even put into words and even though you're not with him, you don't want to let him go..."
I wish my heart had a road map to tell me which way im supposed to go... Grr now playing? Hurricane streets by hey monday

Positively...

In the words of P.M., "No one is sure of everything, but everyone is sure of something."
Tonight I've been reflecting on that... And there are a LOT of things that I'm not sure about. But I am sure about the the incredible family I have around me. That doesn't mean just blood family, that's everyone, my friends, my sisters and brothers that God put in my life, everyone. I know for sure that if I ever needed something or was in trouble, the group of people who surround me would take care of me, and vice versa. And that's a comfort tonight... Friday was a rough day. But in the midst of my years, a girl who I almost never converse with took my hand and comforted me. She had my back, and made sure I knew it. It showed me how blessed I really am. And I am so thankful go that girl who took my hand. I'm learning more each day o never take any relationship for granted. I hope you all do the same...
Now playing? Welcome To The Black Parade by My Chemical Romance....

Listen..

Listen to God of This City the Chris Tomlin version.. And maybe Hold Us Together by Matt Mayer... It's fantastic. And I really needed these songs and more tonight.

Numbers 14
"9 only do not rebel against the Lord, and do not be afraid of the people of the land, because we will swallow them up. Their protection is gone, but the Lord is with us. Do not be afraid of them."

Motions

Tonight im tired. Tired of feeling insignificant. Tired of school. Tired of hurt, and crying. Tired of seeing the ones I love hurt. But mostly I'm tired of being tired. I hate how far from God I feel. Like I've been walking in the opposite direction without even noticing. And that's not who I want to be. If I were to be gone tomorrow, I want to be remembered for being a light for people, not someone who only puts others down... I guess I need to spend some time with Him.. Listening to The Motions by Matthew West... It's kind of amazing... Night all! I hope you have had a good day!

This morning the sunrise made me realize just how blessed I really am... I just. I take people for granted. And in realizing that now, I want to work on it. Because I get now that I messed up a possibility of a good thing. And I also saw how I was getting jealous even... So I wan to start treating life more delicately. I want to make sure everyone in my life knows how much I appreciate the things they do. Because honestly, we don't know how much time we have left. So why not spend the time you do have treating people well. It definitely sounds like a happier life to me... Idk, I'm extremely tired right now. I'll talk later!

The Silence (Acoustic)- Mayday Parade

No Title..

So today I filled out some college apps.. Well everything on them except for the essays I have to write.. I feel pretty productive though. It's kind of scary knowing that I'm starting my path to the future... Like that's crazy... Tonight I'm just going to suggest a song called Kiss Me by Ed Sheeren. It's really beautiful. I hope y'all enjoy it. Also, the lyrics of a Tay Swift song stuck out to me tonight. "I'd tell you I miss you but I don't know how, I've never heard silence quite this loud."

"Peace; it does not mean to be in a place with no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to b in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart."

I guess tonight I'm just trying to convince myself that it's okay to not be perfect.
Love You More...

Waking up at five in the morning gives a person much too much time to think things over. I kind of jus wish that I could talk to him... I feel like things are in limbo. But I doubt that I'll get to actually talk with him. Instead today I'm going to work at a food pantry and get busy on a project that I've been working on. I might just plug myself into my iPod for awhile and forget the world... But before I do I'll recommend a song callee Stubborn Love by the Lumineers to you. It's pretty good. Also, listen to the song Arms by Christina Perri if you haven't already heard it. Well, I probably should go get ready for the day.
Enjoy today!