I'm thinking...

Feelings..

Today I talked to a good friend about my feelings for a boy... And he, along with another friend, pointed out what I guess I knew was true from the start.. I just hadn't want to accept it until now I guess. I just, I know that this guy will most likely go for this other girl. And even if that doesn't work out, I have a sneaking suspicion in the depths of my heart that he still wouldn't choose me.. I feel like of he ever got the chance, he'd be with our really close mutual friend... And in my head, and my heart, I think it just kind of sucks that I'd still be second... You know, for once, I'd like to be someone's first choice. Someone's number one. I think right now, I need to just get over this situation, and just live like I want to live. I think I deserve to be happy. And I shouldn't let myself be put down. I think it's time things start changing for me.. Because lord knows this next year is going to be full of enough changes as it is..

Wishes...

Right now, I wish I could make up my mind on, something. Anything really. I just. I feel like Im stuck, but I know it's my fault. I'm the one who has a hopeless dream of getting to be with someone who doesn't feel the same for me. I really like him. But he just wants to stay friends. And that feeling sucks. With scholarships and college and friends and the upcoming play... I just don't know where my heart is anymore.. It doesn't help that I feel like ive distanced myself from God. I know all I have to do is go bak to him. But I feel like I'm just stuck. I have to admit its been wonderful to have my cousin to talk to lately... Nice to know I'm not alone. 

It's been hard to not go back to old bad habits lately.. Extremely hard actually. I think I'm just going to goto bed... Is supposed to help everything, right? Night lovelies

Friends...

Right now... I feel like as far as friends go, I suck. I hurt those who I care most about.. I just wish I could stop being this way.. And stop having a hard time getting thru things.. Because I feel like all I do is drag my close friend back.. She needs to have people around her who can always lift her up and create awesome memories for her in this senior year. I need to just.. Stop. For her. And for me I guess too. This is going to be a good year. I'm going to figure this out. This ones for you. Well... You don't actually read this.. But still.

Today.. Well overall it really wasnt that bad. I finished another college application.. Drama practice went pretty well( even though I suck and keep forgetting lines). I'm not failing any classes. I'm living and breathing and I have God on my side, so no, it wasn't a bad day.

But I hate hate hate having a dream about him, and feeling like I still have his sweatshirt on and then waking up and realizing that things are changing between us... And I don't understand why or what's going to happen. I don't like it.. It's like I'm losing him.. When I never officially had him. 

I'm hoping that my close friend, the one I called LaFawnda a few posts back?, was just having an off day today.. Because I'm pretty sure we only spoke like three words to each other the whole time. Hell, maybe it's me. It always seems to be me.. I am just soo good at pushing people away without realizing it.. Idk..like I said I hope it was just an off day because today was hell.. Tomorrow could be kinder though. See you soon

Change...

Good evening my three followers.. I'm sure you are all tired of my obnoxious pointless posts.. but well this is my blog and i'm going to write on it what I wish. and tonight I want to talk about my friends.. My closest friend, here I will call her LaFawnda, and I have been talking about college and our futures a whole lot lately.. Probably more often than I really like.. It's hard for me because she seems so ready for everything to come after graduation in the spring.. and I am not ready like her. She really is more like my sister to me than anything else.. We bother each other, call each other awful things in the most lovingly way haha, talk to each other about everything and are generally always around each other.. Anyway, we were talking about whether we think we'll stay close after graduation and everything.. I really hope we do, even if she moves two states away for college... She is basically my best friend, and she means the world to me. And I feel weird knowing that in a few short months, everything that i've known up until this point in my life is about to change drastically....

 Tonight at my school was senior night, where all the seniors get acknowledged. Of course, I started to tear up, because that's who I am sometimes, and I saw her after we came off the field, and I couldn't look at her without feeling like I was going to cry.. When she came back into the hallway after putting her stuff away, she came up to me and I was going to say goodbye, but she was like, "No, you have to hug me.. this was our last football game performance ever.." and it honestly took me by surprise, because she and I , throughout the course of our friendship have probably hugged each other a total of three times. It just showed me how much more I'm going to miss these times when i'm out of here... I love my friends so much. Then again, my other closest friend, barely even speaks to me anymore.. this  past week has been awful with that. I know he's going through some tough crap right now... But i hate this feeling of losing him already. Especially with how I feel about him.. so that kind of sucks... anyway, if you actually read this entire thing, congradulations you have now wasted a large amount of time on a pointless blog.. So, I will quit rambling now and get some sleep for tomorrow... If my friends happen to read this, know that I love you!

I'm trying to convince myself that I care about him deeply, but do nt have any other feeling for him.. Actually I am trying very hard not to like him as more than a friend.. I just feel stuck right now.. And the thing is, he doesn't even know...

What To Do...

Today I have had quite a few things taxing my brain..
Part of it is just the normal school work, but on top of that I've also been thinking about a girl whose really close to me who is becoming really unhealthy with he'd self image, thinking about the drama within drama club that's driving me crazy, worrying about my freind because of everything that's been going on, worrying about my family, procrastinating college apps, and thinking about a guy who will most likely never think of me as more than a friend... Which really really sucks. I'm trying to just be okay, because it's not like I can change how he feels.. I just wish so much that it could/would work out.. I love spending time with him. I love the fact that even when he does things that drive me crazy, it's never enough to actually make me upset with him.
I'm reading a book right now called Dancing with the Devil... I'm kind of cynical about what it will be like. But a close friend, a sister really, told me that I really need too read it.. So I'm trying.. Alsoc I can't get over listening to Bon Iver on pandora. I love the variety that comes up. Okay, well I need to get to sleep soon... Goodnight!

It's actually kind of funny when you are talking to someone about something, and they have no clue that the reason you are so confused at the moment, is because of them. When you're talking about wishing something would happen and you know that it's them that you are actually talking about, but they have no idea.. But then again, given the circumstances, it's kind of sad

I can't sleep... Why can't I just get you out of my head?. It's obvious that you don't feel the same... So why can't I stop thinking about you?.. Need. To. Sleep.

Indescribable...

Today's performance for marching band was unlike anything I've ever experienced... And it's not because the music was outstanding, or because I nailed my part of the forms were perfect or anything like that. In fact, if you were to ask me, I don't even think I could tell you how the performance went. Because throughout the entire performance, I couldn't shake the feeling that our band director whom pined heavens band this past Sunday, was standing right up next to our drum majors stand... It was one f the strangest things I've experienced. It was like he was completely here with us still... And I cried. It was extremely hard to be at a contest knowing that he would never be physically here with us anymore.. He was suck an amazing person, and definitely showed his amazing faith to me and everyone else who came in contact with him... He's being missed greatly right now... But I know it's better that he's no longer battling cancer anymore.. He is our true Matador..

I Can Respect This...

“Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag. She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.

Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not?Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.”

Or better yet, date a girl who writes.

By: Rosemarie Urquico (via kblitz)

Strange Feelings...

This week has been... Well crazy..
I wish I could get this feeling out of my head.. But he kind of has my head and heart all mixed up and I can't quite think straight.. And it kills that I feel like there is no way he feels the same. Because I'm happy just being with him, just hanging out... And a part of me just wants to tell him. But the other part of my doesn't want to, because then if he doesn't feel the same it could make our friendship really weird.. And I definitely don't want that..